what is it with relationships?

Relationships. They are what we all want. Whether you are a person who craves the quick ones where you get out easily or the ones that make you sit down and realize how lucky you are to have found the person of your dreams. There are people that never get to experience the joys of relationships. They date and get out as soon as they can, but they never get down to the nitty-gritty of it. They decide no strings attached is the way to go. But sometimes you wonder, why are they so scared? I mean a relationship is not complicated. If you have feelings for the person why run away? I've always wondered what it is that makes them tick. That takes them and scares them so much that they have to run away and hide all their feelings. Finding a good relationship is like finding a recipe. Sometimes you get the delicious ones that make you sigh with happiness and crave all the time. Other times you come across the ones that aren't so great and are disapointing.

Sometimes I just wish I could take back things that I've done and said. I mean no one is perfect. But there are always those things that haunt you and make you wonder that maybe if you didn't say it, or if you didn't do it then things would be different. The world is made of you having choices and learning from your mistakes. Yes, you sometimes need to learn the hard way, but sometimes you wish it came handed on a silver platter. Life was never supposed to be easy, because if it was no one would want to play the game. The creators of Life the board game really hit it spot on when they created it. Life is a game and we are all playing. I just wish sometimes it was easier.

thoughts at two a.m.

Some people say that it takes half the time you dated someone to get over them. Honestly in my opinion, the person that said that never had been in love. They never sat up in bed thinking night by night of the person that broke their heart, but still continued to hold it in the palm of their hand. These people may have loved people, but they have never been in love. What it feels like to be in love... Being in love is one of the scariest, best, most shocking things one could experience. The ups and downs are enough to drive you crazy. But all in all, love is simply what we wake up for in the morning. The adrenaline that keeps us going. It says, "Hey, life may be difficult, but you are worth it because you have found someone that cares about you." Being in love is like being with someone that shares your soul. It's like you handed it to them on a silver platter and said, "Here's my heart, please don't break it." We may walk around wondering where love is, and why we cannot find it. But you cannot find love. It finds you. It's like a hidden treasure chest. And your mission is like fate. To find that treasure chest and unlock the magical treasure that will make all of your wildest dreams come true. But along the way, you will find someone that will help you. Because without them the treasure chest can never be opened. The meaning of life is simply to love and be loved.

A new year, a new me.

So I know I haven't exactly kept up to tell you my whole life story and all but I'm ready to keep going and hopefully do a good job in keeping you posted. It's a brand new school year. I'm finally starting high school and I couldn't be less excited about it. The first day was terrible! I found my way around but got laughed at twice for no apparent reason. And then during the lunch period these older and much larger guys that sat behind me and my friends were talking on and on about how obnoxious the freshman were! I'm a freshman sitting at a table of freshman! Ah! But high school mainly sucks because Harry isn't there. I know it sounds kinda clingy of me to want to see him every day but I rarely see him as it is. He is so sweet though! It's amazing. Never thought he would be this nice of a boyfriend but he is. And I'm trying to be a good girlfriend but sometimes I wonder if I'm a good girlfriend or just plain old annoying and the girlfriend that wants to be with him twenty-four seven. But then I know that is not true. I just don't know what to think anymore :( Well me and harry are fine right now I guess but I worry about with other girls. Mainly Brenna. But I have to trust him. So I will work on that. But for now I must retire to bed because I am extremely exhausted from tennis today and I must be well rested for tomorrow's Key Club meeting at & in the morning :/ and my tennis match. Au Revoir! Smooches :)

Interesting..

Last night was the lock-in. It was pretty fun. Ate some pizza, drank some pop. We got to do some community work and it was all worthwhile. I have a problem that I need fixed though. I am a huge flirt... I've known this for awhile but its gotten worse. Last year I made 2 guys like me because I flirted with them and then bam. They liked me. It was cruel because I was still hung-up on H. Not anymore though! (K sounds better than H.) This year I have had a crush on 8 guys! But I have flirted with a lot of people. And here's a dirty little secret: Almost every day I flirt with the guy that I know some of my friends like. I have felt guilty for awhile and I try to think of it as harmless but it's not. I'm glad that he might like someone that I know but I feel guilty that we flirt every day. And sometimes it doesn't bother me and I think, "Why not?" But I know why not. I'm not supposed to flirt with him because my friends really LIKE HIM! It's a cruel problem. But I stuck in the middle about whether or not I should be doing this. Which way should I lean? Keep it up because it's harmless, or stop. But if the answer is stop I'm afraid I won't be able too...

friends.

Friends are the ones that are supposed to pull us up when we are down. If a boy dumps or rejects us they will be there ready to kill the boy. But sometimes it feels like they just want to bring us down. They convince us of one thing when they know it is not the truth. Then one thing leads to another and we always end up getting hurt. They do something that crosses the line and we snap. So why is it that we put ourselves through with this? All of the fun activities and then it leads us up to this. Snap. The friendship trust bond is broken and they start to do things that bother us. After all of this has been mentioned they just yell at us. The truth is we don't deserve the people that are like this. But they are our friends so we put up with it even if it keeps us crying every single night. It's just something we convince ourselves that needs to be dealt with. Problem or no problem there must be a way around it. What if there is no way around it then and you have to separate? That is the time when you think about crying your eyes out the most thinking that it is over. All the sudden it is not over and you are putting yourself through it again and again and again. We care too much to let go even when it hurts almost as bad to keep holding on. Then what do we do? Pretend nothing has gone on and everything is okay? But that is what we must do because when your heart tells you to do something you follow it no regrets even if your brain tells you not too. Moral of the story is what do we do with friends? Keep them... or leave them?

love sucks.

Okay. So here it goes. I have never in my life been this confused about a boy before. I possibly loved H. But I know that is a tough topic so I'll avoid it. What I am talking about is K. I do not know why but for some reason I want him to like me sooo bad. There are many reasons why I like him but I have always wondered why he likes S and not me. I think about it each and every day and I still cannot come up with the solution. Sure he has liked her for 2 months but hello! She's not that special. Sorry if I sound like a brat but this is bothering me. Not being conceited or anything but I think I am just as pretty as she is. This always happens. Whenever I fall for a guy he likes someone else. And everyone says, "Oh Nikki. It's not a big deal. He was too stupid to say yes. He doesn't know what he's missing." But after awhile that saying gets old and you feel so crappy that you want to just give up. I continue to tell myself that I am Nikki and I AM fabulous. But it doesn't work. And all around you your best friends have boys that love them and you think, "How come the boy I like doesn't like me?" Rough. That's the suckiest situation ever. Boys were so much easier when they had cooties. But for me they never did. My first crush was pre-k. Imagine that. I loved a boy when I was a tot. But of course he didn't love me because he thought I had "cooties". Lovely. I start to think about high school and all the boys that I will meet there but what if they do not like me? I think I would be better off a hermit... Sounds good.


So hopefully he gets over S. But it's doubtful. Whatever. I'll get over it. Again.


Love your depressed friend,
Nikki
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